Two And A Half Drunks
by Red Witch
Summary: Another disaster in Current Events class leads to another headache for everyone's favorite Canadian Mutant. Especially when he's compared to a certain actor. Warning: Pop Culture references ahead! Mutants, mutants, mutants, mutants, manly mutants...


**Somebody drank the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Just had another pop culture inspired idea. Plus you have to admit there are some similarities between a certain fictional character and a real life one. I really need to stop watching all these entertainment shows. **

**Two And A Half Drunks**

"Hey Hank….What are you **doing?**" Logan was stunned as he saw Hank banging his head against a wall outside one of the classrooms.

"I'm conducting the London Symphony Orchestra with my head. What do you **think?**" Hank snapped as he looked at him.

"Whoa what's got you in such a mood?" Logan grunted.

"I apologize Logan. I was trying to organize a Current Studies group among some of our students," Hank sighed. There were the sounds of raised voices and some small bangs heard in the classroom. "And unfortunately I succeeded."

"Oh, so what are they arguing about?" Logan asked. "What's going on in the Mideast?"

"No," Hank sighed.

"That union stuff going on in Wisconsin?" Logan asked.

"I'm afraid not," Hank sighed. "That's not the topic currently under discussion."

"I don't suppose it's some kind of women's rights thing is it?" Logan asked.

"Not even close," Hank shook his head. He shuddered when he heard a small bang from one of Tabitha's energy balls. "Although considering what's going on in there that is a good guess."

"Is it about the economy?" Logan asked.

"Sort of, in a small manner of speaking," Hank said. "But not as pertaining to the entire country as a whole."

"Okay Hank I give up. What are they arguing about?" Logan asked.

"You really want to know?" Hank asked.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't!" Logan growled. "What are they arguing about?"

"FACE IT! YOU'RE ALL JUST JEALOUS THAT THAT GUY IS MAKING MORE MONEY THAN WE ARE AND HE'S SLEEPING AROUND WITH MORE WOMEN!" Bobby was heard shouting.

"WHO WOULD BE JEALOUS OF THAT DRUGGED UP SEX CRAZED NUTJOB?" Rogue yelled.

"Well I am…OWWW!" Bobby screamed in pain.

"What the…?" Logan's jaw dropped.

"Apparently the actor of the hit sitcom Three and A Quarter Guys, Harley Steen has gone on another drunken prostitute filled binge," Hank explained.

"Is that the nut who's been ranting about how much money he's owed on every TV station all week?" Logan asked. "**That's** what they're fighting about?"

"Technically it is a current event," Hank sighed as they went into the classroom. "Tabitha! Put your energy bombs away! Kitty stop strangling Bobby!"

"Well he deserves it!" Kitty backed away.

"Oh forgive me for having my own opinion!" Bobby snapped back.

"It's a stupid opinion!" Rogue snapped. "And I know all about stupid opinions. I lived with the Brotherhood. But even this tops almost everything they've ever said."

"Almost everything?" Scott asked.

"You really don't want to know anything about Toad's theories about garden gnomes," Rogue admitted.

"Got ya," Scott nodded.

"Okay let's get this straight," Logan looked at the room. In the classroom there was Rogue, Kitty, Kurt, Scott, Jean, Tabitha, Bobby and Amara. "You're all fighting over a spoiled drunken actor?"

"If you can call him an actor," Jean grunted.

"Oh no," Bobby groaned. "Not this again!"

"You can't just drop it can you?" Kurt asked. "He is an actor okay?"

"No he's not! He just plays himself in that stupid show!" Jean snapped. "Even his character's name is the same!"

"He's been in a lot of movies and some of them have won or been nominated for Oscars," Kurt pointed out. "You can't deny that Harley Steen is talented."

"Yes, he's talented at partying and getting paid for doing very little work," Jean said. "I never even liked that show anyway. It's very degrading to women. It shows women as shallow, domineering and manipulative."

"Well if you look at it…" Scott began.

"Scott, be quiet! I'm **talking,"** Jean snapped. "Any woman that's not a prostitute on that show just walks all over the men and acts bossy and browbeats the male characters into doing what they want. Bobby don't roll your eyes at me!"

"Yeah that show is very _unrealistic,"_ Rogue rolled her eyes.

"Wait a minute! What do you mean by **that?**" Jean snapped.

"She means the guys are stupid sex crazed morons," Tabitha said.

"Oh right," Jean blinked. "There is that."

"Yeah, **that **was what I was going for," Rogue snorted.

"Here's something I don't get," Amara blinked. "The man has all but lost his job, his health, his mind, custody of his kids and all credibility he has. How is that considered 'Winning'?"

"Well he certainly won Biggest Jackass of the Year," Rogue admitted.

"It's not Harley I really care about. What really gets me mad is that his co-star Don Weeper is out of work and he didn't even do anything!" Kurt said before Jean could respond. "I don't understand why they just couldn't do a couple of episodes without Harley and just focus on Don's character? Don doesn't deserve this kind of treatment!"

"Oh cry me a river! Don Weeper is an Emmy award winning actor! I wouldn't waste my time worrying about him," Scott rolled his eyes.

"Thank you Scott for providing some sense around here," Hank said.

"It's that kid and the rest of the cast I'm worried about," Scott told them. "How many parts are going to be open for the overweight tough as nails wisecracking maid that doesn't do any work? What about her? And the shrewish ex-wives? And their new husbands, the hapless but loveable pals of the main characters? Not to mention that weird stalker lady and the guy who delivers the pizzas. What happens to **their** contracts? I can guarantee you they're not going to be making half as much as that boozed up star is getting!"

"I should have known…"Hank sighed.

"Let's not forget the woman who plays the crazy evil mother," Kurt said. "Or the woman who guest stars as the psychiatrist! Oh wait that last one is doing pretty good now."

"Yeah but everybody else is going to have trouble," Tabitha said. "Unless they have Dancing with the Stars on speed dial."

"And let's not forget all those other people who depend on that show," Kitty pointed out. "What about all the cameramen and the makeup artists? What happens to them? The hairstylists with no hair to brush? The sound guys that have nothing but silence now? And what about the key grips? What will happen to the key grips? You tell me what happens to the key grips?"

"What happened to **your grip** on reality?" Logan barked.

"I all I know is that kid could end up in a load of trouble," Bobby said. "A lot of child stars do end up on a slippery downward slope."

"I don't know, something tells me that he's getting a very good lesson on why **not** to do drugs and drink just by watching his costar," Rogue shrugged. "I know that would scare me straight."

"Speaking of child actors gone wrong, guess what Mindy Mohan did today?" Amara spoke up.

"And here we go again…" Hank threw up his arms.

"I am so sick of everyone putting Mindy down! Why don't you just give her a break and let her continue with her rehab?" Kitty asked.

"We would if she didn't spend her nights partying and stealing stuff," Rogue gave her a look.

"**Allegedly **parting and stealing stuff!" Kitty snapped.

"Unbelievable! All the problems in the world and you guys are arguing about drunken celebrities?" Logan asked.

"Well you always say to talk about things we're interested in so…" Bobby shrugged.

"Okay that's **it!** Listen up!" Logan snapped. "I'm so sick and tired of all these spoiled prima donnas who think just because they can handle more than one beer that they're special or something! They are nothing but a bunch of idiots who think the rules apply to everyone else except them! Well guess what? They don't! You drink too much, you ruin your life. Everybody knows it but them! They're nothing but a bunch of glorified overpaid addicts who nobody has the guts to tell that they're losing it! Because the second their little fantasy land is threatened just a tiny bit they whine, sulk and have a tantrum like a two year old! They are not special! They're just stupid drunks that should be ignored and shunned by everyone except for their families and the proper authorities! They need to grow up and stop thinking of themselves and get off the sauce! End of story!"

This was met with incredulous stares from the entire room, including Hank. "Why is everyone looking at me like **that?**" Logan barked.

"Forgive me for pointing this out to you Logan, but you have to admit there is some irony in **you** making a statement condemning those who imbibe too much alcohol," Hank said.

"Just what do you mean by **that**?" Logan asked.

"Oh come on Logan! Everybody in the mansion knows about your not so secret booze stashes in your room, the garage and in a secret compartment in the cockpit of the Blackbird," Rogue told him.

"Not to mention the small stash you keep in that cabinet in the master control center of the Danger Room," Kurt added.

"Don't forget the one in the sub-basement behind the chalkboard in room 5D," Scott added.

"And the one in the secret tool shed in the woods," Jean added.

"Not to mention every Saturday night you take off like a bat out of Hell to that bar on the outskirts of town and don't come back until Sunday morning," Rogue gave him a look.

"Hey I'm an adult. I can drink," Logan snapped.

"Of **course** you can," Hank said. "What better way to prove your maturity than by drinking enough alcohol to kill a horse and vomiting all over the floor?"

"Hey! It's not like that and you know it! I have a healing factor remember? I don't get drunk!" Logan snapped.

"Well if alcohol doesn't affect you then why bother drinking it?" Bobby asked.

"Just shut your mouth," Logan glared at him.

"I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense," Bobby said.

"Shut up!" Logan snapped.

"See, he gets defensive if his little fantasy world gets threatened," Hank pointed out.

"You are twisting my words around!" Logan snapped.

"No, I'm proving a point," Hank remarked.

"You want to take this outside Beast?" Logan snarled.

"Ah yes, threatening violence," Hank said. "A nice mature and rational way to defend your problem."

"I do **not** have a problem with alcohol!" Logan snapped. "I don't get drunk! I can't with my healing factor."

"So you're saying that the rules don't apply to **you?**" Rogue looked at him.

"Yes," Logan then realized he'd been trapped. "No! Wait! I'm a special case!"

"Of **course** you are," Hank smirked.

"Look when I said that I wasn't talking about me…I mean!" Logan was frustrated. "When I said that I was talking about most people! I mean none of you can handle the amount of alcohol I can so you shouldn't drink."

"So it's do as I say but not as I do," Bobby gave him a look.

"I didn't say that!" Logan snapped.

"Yeah, I'm afraid you did," Hank shrugged.

"Shouldn't you be teaching them something?" Logan snapped.

"Oh I think they're getting a very good lesson in alcoholism and denial," Hank said.

"I am not an alcoholic! I don't stagger in drunk to Danger Room sessions!" Logan said.

"A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic Logan," Kitty gave him a look.

"I am **not** an alcoholic!" Logan snapped.

"Yeah, right!" Kitty scoffed.

"He is so in denial," Scott shook his head.

"He's right. We shouldn't be talking about celebrities and their alcohol problems," Jean said. "We should be talking about Logan and **his **problems with alcohol."

"I don't have a problem with alcohol! And even if I did it's none of your business!" Logan snapped.

"Logan we're a family here so if you have a problem, we have a problem," Kitty said.

"What is this, an intervention?" Logan snapped. "Look I drink because I like to. That's all it is. Sometimes I need to go away and try to get a grip on my life. I mean come on! I've lost decades worth of memories and the few that I have aren't exactly the warm and fuzzy type! Sometimes I need to go out and drink to forget. Or remember. Depending on the situation."

"Well what about me?" Rogue asked.

"What **about **you?" Logan asked.

"I have a lot of those same memories of yours rattling around in my head," Rogue pointed out. "You **do** remember what my powers are right? And not only do I have your memories, I have a lot of other traumatic memories of nearly everyone in this place! And a few other people I've touched! So by your logic I should be out getting hammered right next to you!"

"Oh now wait a minute…" Logan held up his hand.

"Hey I could just get a healing factor too if I just touch you while I'm drinking so it wouldn't affect me at all," Rogue said.

"You're not legal!" Logan barked.

"Let's pretend that matters. I can still go out and get drunk with you in a couple of years," Rogue said. "How about that Logan? When I turn twenty one we can go out and become bar buddies. Get boozed up every night. How does **that** sound?"

"You can't do that!" Logan snapped.

"Why not? I'll be legal then and I'll be able to drink just as much alcohol as you," Rogue challenged.

"No you can't!" Logan snapped. "I won't let you!"

"Why not?" Rogue asked.

"Because you're a girl!" Logan said. "A girl like you shouldn't be drinking!"

The entire room became deadly silent. "**What** did you say?" Rogue growled.

"Uh oh…" Hank gulped.

"Oh you did **not** just go there!" Jean glared at Logan.

"You did not just say one of the most sexist, **stupid **things I have ever heard!" Rogue roared.

"He's a dead man," Scott winced.

"You are unbelievable, do you know that?" Rogue shouted.

"You are such a hypocrite!" Kitty snapped. "**This **is what we were talking about!"

"Kitty's right. You are a hypocrite!" Jean got up with the other women in the room.

"You think because you're such a big strong man you can do whatever you want but because Rogue's a girl she can't do what she wants?" Tabitha snapped as the girls surrounded Logan.

"Now wait a second…" Logan began.

"I'm not saying I want to drink all night and get drunk because drinking all night and getting drunk is **stupid!"** Rogue snapped. "I'm just saying if I wanted to do it I could! But I don't! I don't want to act as stupid as you!"

"You have a lot of nerve lecturing to us what we can and can't do!" Amara snapped.

"Thinks because he's a guy he can do whatever he wants and we _little girls_ have to sit back and do what he says!" Kitty snapped. "He really does act like that Harley Steen guy!"

"Hold on a moment…" Logan began.

"You don't get to talk now!" Jean snapped.

"Yeah you'd better listen to us!" Amara yelled. "You think you're some kind of indestructible rock star! Think again!"

"Drinks whenever he wants and tells everyone what to do!" Rogue snapped. "And we have to be submissive little girls and do what he says!"

"Now hold on…!" Logan began but the girls backed him against the wall.

"Thinks he's better than all of us…You drink all the time and never think of the consequences!" The X-Girls shouted at him all at the same time. "You're an addict! You're a bully! Think you can tell us all what to do and you can do whatever you want…Shove your claws in everyone's faces…Wait until **Storm** hears what you really think!"

"No, no, no, no!" Logan said that so fast you would think he was channeling Quicksilver. "Don't tell Storm! She doesn't have to know! Why does she need to know? I don't think she needs to know!"

"Oh you **don't **do you?" Jean glared at him.

"Wait, wait, hold on! I may not have said that the right way…" Logan gulped. "What I really meant was…I'm not good with words. You know I'm not good with words…Hank help me out here."

"Don't look at me, pal," Hank grunted. "You're on your own."

"Dead man walking," Scott said.

"He is a very sexist pig man…" Kurt nodded. Logan growled. "Just kidding!"

"Are you trying to scare Kurt for telling the truth?" Rogue snapped.

"No, I was just…What I meant to say was…" Logan gulped. "I said that wrong. When I said you can't drink I didn't mean you **can't** drink…Because you can drink if you wanted to there's no question of **that**. It was because…because…"

"Because what? I'm not strong enough?" Rogue growled.

"No, no! Just the opposite! You are very strong! So strong you don't need a drink unlike me…." Logan gulped. "You don't need to drink because you don't have a problem and I do…My name is Logan and I'm an alcoholic."

"Haw, haw…" Kurt made a Nelson Muntz impersonation under his breath.

"So you're saying **you're** the one with the problem?" Rogue raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Yes. It's all me. I am a **bad** influence. You do **not** want my disease," Logan agreed. "In fact I had a drink just before I came in so….Just ignore me when I have my little rants because I'm obviously on the sauce."

"You have a problem," Jean glared at him.

"Yes I do. I am a very sick man," Logan agreed.

"Well now that we have that admission I think that is the end of our little discussion group," Hank said. "And I am not just saying it for today. That's the **end **of this discussion group."

"Well that was a waste of time," Rogue grumbled as she stormed out.

"I don't know," Scott grinned at Logan. "I learned things."

Hank smirked at Logan after they all left. "Well Logan, it seems you're not such a rock star after all? What's wrong? Lack of tiger blood in your veins?"

"Hey! If Harley Steen lived with a group of women that could electrocute him, burn him to a crisp, stick his body halfway through cement concrete and kick his ass two dozen different ways, he'd fold faster than a lawn chair too!" Logan snapped. "I can handle those women one at a time but get them and their powers all together..."

"Like an angry herd of mutant buffalo," Hank smirked. "Ironically that's line from Steen's show. What do you know? It does apply in real life."

"I didn't see **you **doing anything to help me!" Logan snapped.

"Oh I'm sorry Logan but I was under the impression that you do not need **anyone's** help," Hank smirked. "You do have the reputation of being the lone wolf of the group. And of course the lone wolf got trampled to death by the angry buffalo herd."

"This is about me not giving you those stupid lesson plans isn't it?" Logan growled. "You know the ones you think that I should make up before every Danger Room session?"

"The ones that you said are a total waste of time and refuse to do even though everyone else here does them? Even Charles," Hank folded his arms. "Honestly this really was about me trying to get the students involved in discussing current events. You getting the business was just a pleasant surprise."

"Remind me to give **you **a surprise in the Danger Room later on," Logan growled.

"Wolverine you have to admit you did deserve that," Hank pointed out.

"You didn't have to enjoy it so much!" Logan barked.

"I don't get out a lot," Hank shrugged. "I take what entertainment I can get."

CLOMP! CLOMP! CLOMP! CLOMP! CLOMP! CLOMP! CLOMP!

"What the hell is that?" Logan perked up his head.

"Wolverine, all the girls are running around and destroying all your alcohol stashes!" Jamie poked his head in.

"WHAT?" Logan yelled.

"It seems the herd is on the move," Hank quipped.

"Okay that's it! They are **not** gonna destroy my beer!" Logan snarled. "If they think that they're gonna stop me from drinking, they have another think coming! I'm going to tell them to knock it off and lay down the law!"

A loud boom of thunder and a crack of thunder was heard. "Did I mention it was all Storm's idea?" Jamie winced.

"LOGAN! WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DRINKING! NOW!" Ororo's voice was heard.

"Oh I have **got **to watch this one," Hank smirked. "Go ahead Logan. Lay down the law."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Of course if I were you, I'd just **lay down** period," Hank remarked.

"And they wonder **why **we drink…" Logan let out a breath.


End file.
